#96 Long Time, No Sex

My October of weddings was a blast, but ultimately a bust. I got the closest at wedding #1, where I danced a lot with another guest, but he fell asleep (somehow, standing up) on the shuttle bus back into town. He is not to be confused with Coworker’s Friend, who was also in attendance because it was the wedding of said coworker. We shared a few minutes of mandatory small talk, and then didn’t interact much after that thanks to responsible seating charts and me ignoring any potential eye contact. As for weddings #2 and #3, I achieved nothing aside from a fresh batch of dating profile pics… Because for fear I might have lost the ability to date, I recently redownloaded Hinge, Bumble, and Tinder. (The faux-feminist Bumble is still my least favorite because the men on there are lazy and entitled while we women have to put in all the effort—but maybe I’m just sour because it’s been the least fruitful.)

Last Friday, I went on a sober yet surprisingly enjoyable date with a Midwestern Jew from Hinge. Without prying too much in the first 20 minutes of our date, I gleaned enough information to reassure myself that he’s not a relentless addict like DCD. However, without knowing the full backstory of why he doesn’t drink, I have not eliminated the possibility that his sobriety could be a red flag. We got tea, walked around, ate pizza, and then I had to run onto the subway before we could kiss. The next day, he texted “good morning” and basically has not stopped texting me since—which, honestly, never bodes well. But the week of attention was fun, and we even acknowledged the lack of kiss; so, I was excited to see him again this past Saturday. We went to a morning movie and then got lunch at a Jewish diner (not a traditional makeout-inducing course of events, but ya never know). We briefly held hands during the movie, which he both initiated and ended, twice (???). After lunch, he walked me to the subway and we had an even more awkward non-kiss goodbye. Afterwards—over text, of course—we again acknowledged the lack of kiss, and I told him it was his fault. He doesn’t seem to know when/how to make a move, and I’m starting to worry he has no game. But the more he texts me, the harder it is to extricate myself from the situation, and it’s starting to feel like I’ll have to “break up” with him before we’ve even kissed. Normally, I would hope/expect for the texting to die down over Thanksgiving, but I really don’t see him relinquishing my attention that easily.

In similar news, I went to a fundraiser on Thursday and ended up talking to a guy who was a year older than me in college. We moved in the same circles (I frequented his frat’s parties), but we didn’t know each other. I do not find him attractive, but he was fun to chat with while I waited for my friend (who ended up never showing lol). He asked for my number, and it felt weird to say no, but now he’s texting me a lot, too, and I don’t know how to prevent him from asking me out. I never thought I’d ask this, but HOW DO I TACTFULLY GET GUYS TO STOP TEXTING ME???

On a lighter/weirder note, I matched with a self-proclaimed astrologist on Tinder (truly the only reason I swiped right). He invited me out for drinks on Friday and we spent a couple bizarrely interesting hours together. He’s a super intuitive Pisces, and it was basically free therapy with wine. I even learned about my Mars in Gemini, which provides insight into the type of man/relationship one is attracted to (spooky stuff!). When he texted me the next day saying he honestly didn’t know if I “liked his vibe,” I told him I did, but just as friends. He responded: “that makes sense actually.” Lolzzzz

After years of dating so many different types of weirdos, I’m slooowly starting to realize (and be able to articulate) what I do and do not want in a partner. Better late than never, right?