#54 You’ve got to be kidding me.

Last night, I was texting with Bumble Virgin and he revealed to me that he was in THE NAVY FOR 6 YEARS. And the “longterm relationship” he was referring to was from high school. As I mentioned before, he’s not technically a Bumble virgin because I’m the second girl he’s met on Bumble. The first? They dated for 9 months! From where I’m standing in my shit pile of failed third dates, I’m simply amazed by those incredible odds.

I knew I liked him more than Queens Guy and I kneeeeeew it wasn’t going to be healthy, but my god, I was not expecting ANOTHER military man. Do they have military pheromones that I just can’t resist? WHY.

I had previously told him I’d share a good Bumble story in exchange for his story about his self-coined “unusual path,” so I told him the cliffnotes version of Army Spy, including the latest terrorizing. And now he’s trying to guess Army Spy’s identity! Because he apparently has a big profesional veterans network here and “would likely know the name.” He already weirdly knows my first ex boyfriend, so I reeeeally don’t need him establishing connections to anyone else from my regrettable past. No matter how ice cream drunk I get, I will not name names.

Speaking of exes, last night I also found out that my other ex (the one I loved, the one who mattered, the one I still like and respect) has had a girlfriend for some time now. That’s great, and I begrudge them absolutely nothing, but it did stir up a weird, 15-minute wave of ye olde emotions. And what that wave did was put into perspective how insignificant both Army Spy and Mr. Pineapple were in the grand scheme of love and life.

So yea, happy fuckin’ Tuesday.

P.S. I’m getting dinner with Queens Guy tonight.