#123
On March 22, I paused my Feeld and Hinge accounts.
On March 23, I met the Biologist for coffee.
On April 5, the Biologist and I escaped an escape room, ate hot dogs, and then never spoke again.
Later that night, against my better judgement, I reactivated my Feeld account.
On April 6, I matched with a Swedish tattoo artist who was visiting/working in LA for the month.
On April 9, we met for a casual, early dinner and ended up hanging out for 4 hours. After dinner, we walked and talked until it got dark out, and then I drove him back to his rich friend’s house where he was staying. [As we were getting in the car, he told me that this was his first date in 3 years. Surprised, I asked him why it had been such a long time and he told me that he’d only recently sorta broken up with someone and they were essentially treating his 6 weeks in the U.S. as “a break.” Not what I was expecting, but I guess that’s Feeld for ya.] His friend was out of town for the week, so he invited me in for tea and I accepted the opportunity to snoop inside a fancy Silverlake home. We made tea, went up to the roof, and ended up making out for a decent while. I had an early workout class the next morning so I left before any clothes came off.
We continued to text every day and I grew to like him A LOT. Of course he was smartandhotandfunny, but he was also communicative, consistent, and positively oozing creativity. He was a goddamn gentleman and his European citizenship only exacerbated my crush on him. It all felt too good to be true.
On April 16, after a previously failed scheduling attempt at a late-night hang (and my frantic purchase of fresh condoms for the occasion), we met for a mid-day hike and ice cream. The 2-3 hour date began and ended with kissing in public, plus play-it-by-ear plans to hang out again (and, in my hopes, finally get naked—as my one-year celibacy anniversary loomed ever closer).
We continued to text every day—even though he was increasingly busy with work and reuniting with old friends—and I continued to allow myself to daydream dangerously about a future that I knew wouldn’t come to fruition.
As the month drew on and he got busier (and/or less interested? We’ll never know and it doesn’t matter anyways), his consistency began to crack. I paused my communication efforts and wondered if maybe I had been the one maintaining most of our momentum all along. True or not, I felt sad and a little bit stupid.
On April 21, a day that we were maybe going to meet up but ended up not talking at all, I took what I assumed was a hint and spent the day mourning those little daydreams that I’d recklessly let spin off a cliff. When I noticed how strongly that feeling-of-being-crushed-by-your-crush was interacting with my gently simmering Depression, I put myself in romantic timeout and deactivated Feeld once again.
We continued to text as we continued to “play it by ear” but the vibe was now very much off—Scorpio Full Moon or not. He was leaving in a few days and our ever-slowing messages lacked any sense of possibility.
On April 25, he confirmed we would not be having a third date, after all.
Neither of us mentioned staying in touch or seeing each other again, and I still don’t know what his relationship status is. However! Even though I feel silly and embarrassed that I got swept up in the swoony chivalry of being courted by a genuinely good man who I genuinely want to spend time with, I am more so grateful to know that THAT EXISTS at all! And that it’s therefore possible to find again. Even though it was merely a fleeting flirtation, the Swedish Tattoo Artist proved to me that quality men do indeed exist (though perhaps only in Europe?) and dramatically raised my standards for all future suitors.
With the exception of the Married Man, I hadn’t had my credit card pushed back to me by a date in years and I am not sorry to say that it felt NICE! At this point in my life (particularly as I struggle to figure out my career and income strategy), I am finally comfortable saying: if a guy wants to date me, the least he can do is buy my coffee. And if he ends up also buying me dinner, a ring, and a Portuguese villa—so be it! I’m worth it!
With that in mind, I recently reactivated my Feeld and Hinge profiles in advance of my 3-week excursion to Nice, Paris, Rome, and Copenhagen. I don’t intend to actively fish, but rather trawl my profile through the European waters “just in cases.”
I’ll be sure to deactivate as soon as I touch back down on American soil, in Brooklyn, where I’ll be spending the month of July. Because I shudder at the thought of dating in New York City ever again.
Thanks for continuing to humor me and my deranged monologue <3
LYLAS & HAGS
P.S. Those Founding Subscriber totes are finally being printed and are shipping soon! I’d love to see your photos of them out in the world :)