#107

As soon as I was invited to my friend’s New Year’s Eve wedding in Miami, I was on a mission to kiss an(y) eligible bachelor at midnight and, ideally, get laid. 

The plan was simple:

1. Beg the happy couple to seat me at a table with single men

2. Pack condoms

3. Look hot & win everyone over with my undeniable charm

Dec 31 - The Wedding

The ceremony was insanely beautiful, I cried, blah blah blah. However, as we located our seats for dinner, I felt betrayed when I discovered I’d been seated at a table with exactly zero single men. My one request had been brutally rebuffed. Nevertheless, I persisted. 

I ended up identifying two contenders:

1. Another single gal’s platonic plus-one

2. A friend of the bride I once met a few years ago

I danced and chatted with both, but felt more of a vibe blossom with the second. When dessert was announced, I forced my wingmen (my good friend + her husband) to accompany me in relocating to his table, where he and I talked for a while.

Fast forward to midnight: champagne was passed out and we all clinked and cheered on the dance floor. Despite being paired up in a crowd of actual-pairs, he and I didn’t immediately kiss. After 30-60 seconds of awkwardly bobbing amongst the couples, I told him, “we can kiss if you want.” He laughed and so we did. A little bit later, he asked me if I had explored the rest of the massive tropical backyard extending beyond the party. I’m no dummy, so I joined him for a stroll—i.e., we made out on the dark garden path. As the wedding wound down, he asked for my number and we talked about meeting up in Miami Beach the next day. 

Jan 1 - The Next Day

After having lunch with my friend, I met up with him and his friends at the beach a little before 4pm. About 30 mins after I arrived, his friends decided to head back to their Airbnb in downtown Miami to shower and change before dinner. He hung back with me and we stayed on the beach for another half hour, until it got too cold. We walked the few blocks back to my swanky hotel so he could use the bathroom before calling a car. We chastely kissed to break the tension. His friends were still stuck in traffic and Uber was taking forever; his car wouldn’t arrive for 30 mins, so I told him he could shower. I showered after him, got dressed, and we proceeded to make out because what else were we supposed to do? After a while, he got a notification that his car had been CANCELED. Thank you, Universe! So, he told his friends not to wait up for him and we spent the next couple of hours having a very good time. Afterwards, we grabbed dinner nearby, he finally got a car home, and I snuggled myself into bed, exhausted and extremely proud that my cute ass hotel room did not go to waste. 

:) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :)

After breaking my TWENTY-month celibacy streak, I was flying high. I had achieved my goal, ringing in the new year with hotel sex. I wasn’t even that upset when our 2-text conversation the following afternoon led to half-a-week of total silence. Confused, yes. Heartbroken, no. 

When my therapist (Emily 2.0 goes to therapy!) pointed out that I seem to worry more about what other people want instead of focusing on what I want, I paused to reflect on what I actually wanted from Goodtime Guy. We have mutual friends and had a lot of fun together; so, naturally, I wanted to explore if there was something there. I decided to ask him out. (Go, me!) He asked if that was my way of inviting him back to my bed (my response: yes and no), and then gifted me the following:

“Real talk tho, what we had in Miami was very fun and I’d certainly love to find that sweet spot again, but you should know I’m not looking for anything serious and don’t want to lead you on if you are.”

God bless a man who hates ambiguity. With the possibility of a relationship no longer on the table, I was freed to solely consider whether or not I want to continue having mutually enjoyable sex with not-a-sociopath, without constantly speculating if I’m doing “it” “right” to “ensure” he falls in love with me. My heart, mind, and clit joined in a resounding chorus of “YES!” So, I thanked him for setting expectations, and granted him permission to booty call me.

Now, in case you’re worried that I’m deluded or energetically blocking myself from finding My Person, allow me to share this relevant digression about how my successfully-casual relationship with The Comedian came to be. For our second “date,” he invited me to his apartment while his roommate was gone. We got naked pretty quickly, and had a grand ol’ time. When we texted a few days later, he told me he wasn’t looking for anything serious, but would want to hook up again. I took a minute to remind myself that he was far from “boyfriend material,” and thus responded in kind, telling him I wasn’t looking for anything serious with him either. Presented with a nearly identical situation 7 years later, I have no qualms about leaving the door open for more play, pleasure, flirtation, and fun. 

Don’t get it twisted: I’m still eager to enter partner mode, but I’ve decided to slow my roll and try to go about it with a little less severity. Over the past year, I’ve been unable to meet a man without immediately analyzing whether or not he could be The One. In fact, I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t doing exactly that at the wedding. I can only assume it’s imbued me with a desperate intensity that inadvertently repels anyone who piques my interest. 

For the sake of not ruining my own surprise of who I end up with, I surrender. My new strategy (my therapist also pointed out that my need to “strategize” finding love could be something to explore…) is to have more FUN and create a life I actively enjoy. I had an excellent weekend in Miami; not because a guy slept with me, but because I did exactly what I wanted. I listened to my sacral chakra—and even got someone to touch it. ;) And I want more of that! More flirting, more dancing, more makeouts, more leisurely rolls in the hay. More sexual encounters where I ask for what I want and am greeted with enthusiastic teamwork. By following my bliss wherever it leads me, I can only assume I’ll become even more irresistibly magnetic and attract the very best person for me. If not, at least I’ll have a good time along the way.